Tamara
by Red Tale
Summary: Explores what it is like to be a disturbed young mutant rat married to Donatello. Suggests reading the FF story Silent Wounds first.


TAMARA Red Turtle  
  
This is a story exploring the Point of View of Don's Wife Tamara and the abuse therein. I based this on things I have witnessed and experiences, and researched.  
  
The ninja turtles were created by Kevin and Peter (you all know who they are). The character of Tamara was created by Dawnatella and first appeared in the story Silent Wounds which was cowritten with Ramica. To fully understand the story, you should read Silent Wounds first.  
  
PART 1:  
  
Having spent all of my life in the confines of a lab cage, never seeing natural light, always eating the same nutritional pellets, being tortured routinely. . .that was a nightmare.  
  
But as much as my very blood curdles at the memory of that place, I wish I could return. At least all that trauma was something I understood.  
  
I knew what to do in every conceivable situation that came up. All the decisions of my life were planned for me, and I didn't ever have to hate myself for making them.  
  
I don't even know why I wanted to leave. I don't know where I got the idea that escaping to the outside would be a good idea, much less the desire and ability to fulfill it.  
  
Sure, the bright sunshine and fresh air was great.for about ten minutes (forgive my concept of time is probably all out of whack, but it was not a long time at all).  
  
First the sunset. Just like in the lab when the turn off the lights. I was totally unprepared for that. I mean, I saw it sort of getting lower but I didn't think it would actually go away! I guess that's what it does. I never saw it before, but now I think that they must have adjusted my artificial lights in a similar pattern.  
  
I actually find myself more alert at night. But in this case, I really wanted to be able to see. I hadn't found an adequate food supply yet, much less a den or something to sleep in. I also need to be able to know what is around me so I don't get captured. I know I need to avoid humans. There are probably other creatures too. I found the mangled body of a creature that looks just like me, but with out the human part. It was eaten by something, so its reasonable that something might want to eat me.  
  
I'm having a lot of trouble with food because all my life I have only ever eaten those stupid pellets, and of course I didn't bring any with me. In retrospect it wouldn't have been too much trouble to stuff some in my cheeks before escaping, and I would have them to eat now, until I could search for something else. But oh well, that's impulsiveness for you.  
  
Something smells good, but I can't quite bring myself to eat it. I'm afraid of what the taste sensation will be like, and I'm afraid they will make me sick. The situation started to really aggravate me, to the point that I was thrashing through garbage cans and no longer aware of my surroundings.  
  
That wasn't my first temper tantrum, I remembered a few occasions where I couldn't stand being in the cage or being in pain, I would throw all my food and water and bedding around.  
  
Lucky me then that it wasn't a human that came across me out here but a part human turtle. Something like me, or so I thought at first.  
  
It turned out he wasn't like me at all. He didn't grow up in a lab, abused at every moment. No, he grew up in a happy little family, living free outside. He has three brothers and an adapted father, and they all love him very much.  
  
I don't think he understands how that is more painful to me than anything the scientists ever did.  
  
He talks sometimes like his life was so hard, like he says he didn't always have enough to eat, or he couldn't go play with other kids, or go to school, and he had to study ninjitzu for hours a day. Boo-hoo. I think, you lived free, outside, with three brothers and a father and they all LOVED you. There is nothing, NOTHING that was hard about that.  
  
I hate him for having this perfect life. I hate myself for hating him. I don't know why I can't feel happy or something, I know there are other emotions out there. But it all comes down to hate for me. And then I hate myself some more, because why am I so dysfunctional now that I can't feel anything right?  
  
But there was one thing I liked about him. Donatello would do anything I asked.  
  
That was great. It really was. Sometimes all that got me through the day was that he would do stuff like pour me a glass of milk or watch the TV show I want to watch. His brothers usually wouldn't do anything for me. Especially Raphael, he didn't like me off the bat, and vice-versa. We established ourselves within ten minutes of my getting here. Leonardo I think just generally isn't very courteous, like he doesn't always help April or his brothers with little things either, he's always with Splinter or meditating or patrolling. I think wait he liked of me was actually based on me being a rat like Splinter. And Mikey.I don't know what to make of him. In the beginning, although Donatello had bought me to their home I considered trying to bed Mikey first, I thought he would be the easiest one of all of them, he was all super nice and relaxed, and he seemed sort of dumb. But he made it clear pretty quick that our relationship was not advancing beyond the platonic stage, making me respect him more than anyone else. But I wish he would have helped me more as a friend in the beginning, it might have helped.  
  
PART 2:  
  
At first I was only living there temporarily. I didn't know how long that was, probably a day or two at most, and then I would be expected to move out and live on my own. None of them, not even Splinter, were interested in taking me on as a permanent roommate, which upset me because I spent the whole first day banking on the fact that they wouldn't leave me out and alone because I was a mutant.  
  
By the second day it became clear to me that I needed a survival plan, and fast. After much thinking I concluded that I could not live in this city by myself. I was terrified, both of the whole ritual that would be involved in constantly finding enough food and a place to live and all of that stuff, but also the personal impact. I didn't want to leave them. I hated this perfect family, but I couldn't stand the idea that they would hate me so much that I couldn't live with them.  
  
Besides, I was hoping that maybe if I was around them it would change my thinking, they would be positive role models or whatever.  
  
So living on my own was out. So was indefinitely staying here until they decided to throw me out, because that would be emotionally too trying.  
  
What I needed was to make just one of them want to keep me here.  
  
As two or three days isn't enough time to establish any deep friendships or real relationships, I decided to try and just mate with one of them, thereby getting them to either feel some loyalty to me or to realize that I could be worth something to them if I stayed.  
  
It was the only thing I had, and I didn't even know how to use it, as I had no contact with anyone outside the scientists. I approached Mikey alone in the kitchen first, coming on pretty strong.  
  
After he turned me down in no uncertain terms, I started to panic.  
  
Was I so worthless that I could fail to attract any of four (well, technically five but it never even really occurred to me to try Splinter) available males?  
  
Donatello was the next one on my list. He and Mikey were the only ones to even talk to me really, and I caught him staring at me occasionally. Mikey was only my first choice because I figured Donatello would be too smart for something like this, and that he would be one of those lets-date-for-ten- years-first types. And, he's kind of shy, if I came on too strongly he might literally run away from me.  
  
It so happened that evening he agreed to go out and get pizza for his brothers (they've got a thing for pizza, something about how it travels well and lasts for days and still tastes good, making it ideal dumpster food.)  
  
So I innocently joined him in this outing. He lent me a trench coat and hat to wear as disguise when we got to the surface world.  
  
But my plan was that we wouldn't ever get topside.  
  
At a good distance from the lair, I initiated my rehearsed strategy. I was nervous. I had to do it exactly right or it wouldn't work. I needed to come on strong and fast enough that he wouldn't think about what he was doing or the ramifications, but it needed to be gentle, so that he didn't get overpowered too soon and back off.  
  
It was the hardest task ever in my life. One wrong word, one wrong tone and it was lost. But I managed to pull it off. We spent the whole night in a separate section of the sewers, just doing it.  
  
And we never did get their pizzas.  
  
PART 3:  
  
I was surprised for days at my success.  
  
But I succeeded a little too well.  
  
I expected him to basically just tell the guys that I was staying, and to sleep with me now and then. Maybe buy me ice cream or flowers or something.  
  
But no. He decided that now I wasn't just his girlfriend, I was his wife. It was a few months before we officially married, but since that night I had to sleep every night in his bed. I guess it was too much to ask that I could have my own sleeping space, since I was living off of them all anyway, but it sure might have helped my mental state. I tried a couple times early on to sleep on the couch, I pulled the whole "headache" excuse, but then he would feel bad for me and he would sleep out there with me. And then he wonders why I would snap at him in the mourning.  
  
He wanted to do everything with me, and we had to have all these "conversations" about everything all the damn time. I put up with the conversations because that was the price I was paying for staying here and being fed and all.  
  
But I sure wasn't happy about it.  
  
The cover I was putting on to stay here came dangerously close to cracking. Especially when he talked to me. I had to institute limits, absolutely no talking about the lab, because that made me cry. Especially with his demeanor being similar to a scientist. He didn't grasp this concept, that I couldn't handle some conversations. He'd keep trying to bring it up, and I'd warn him a couple times to drop it.  
  
In the course of one of these warning was the first time I hurt him. And that changed everything.  
  
First of all, it was totally justified. He wouldn't shut up until he felt physically what I felt mentally. And then he shut up, and I could sleep again.  
  
Second of all it opened a whole new method of resolving contradictions for me.  
  
If he wants to be so damn close to me, than his life is going to be as miserable as mine is. I can't form a Vulcan mind melt (some TV thing I saw) but I can share the pain just as easily.  
  
And I stared to use this method a lot. Once unleashed it was impossible for me to control. That first time it was just a scratch, it startled him more than hurt him, but shortly after that we had another "discussion" and this time I lashed out at him, pinned him to the wall with my nails, and left much deeper wounds. Then I panicked that this behavior would get me thrown out, but instead of crying I said, "Don't mess with me Donatello remember you brought this on yourself. Don't even bother telling the others about it either."  
  
And of course he didn't tell the others. Would you believe he apologized? But it was true, too, because he had bought me home, slept with me and then insisted on this whole wife thing.  
  
From then on it was like I couldn't sleep well at night if I didn't draw blood on him that day.  
  
I wasn't so conscious of this all the time. I rarely thought out "I am going to cut him good tonight" or something. And in fact, if you asked me how our relationship was, I would say "great". And so would he. If you asked me if I loved him, I'd say "Yeah". If you asked me if I wanted to stop hurting him I would say of course I do, and I would even mean it on some level.  
  
I didn't want to be in a totally fucked up relationship with someone I didn't love. That shit's not fun.  
  
It left me an emotional wreck. When I wasn't hitting and scratching him, I was crying and kissing him.  
  
It got worse after the married thing. I don't even understand what that was about. Its not like it was legal anyway (A/N: Bush certainly wouldn't ever allow that!) it just put more pressure like I could never get away now.  
  
And he didn't act like a real husband or mate or whatever. He wanted me in his bed at night, but all day he wanted to practice his ninja training and work on inventions and scientific shit. If I felt amorous at ten in the mourning that was too bad for him because he didn't have time for me then. I had to be in the mood only between 8 at night and 6 in the mourning.  
  
And I couldn't talk to him about it. I even tried, but I physically lost control just thinking about it, because it led to me hating my life here, and that was primarily because of him. I wish he had never found me! I certainly wish he'd been like Mike and had the guts to say that it wasn't appropriate for us to mate after knowing each other one day. I should have gone out on my own and lived like that, I would have been so much happier. I don't even like the food here anymore.  
  
I then I think, but its nice sometimes to be here because he really is nice to me. No one else would ever put up with me like he does. He never hits me, ever. And he does a lot for me, if its not when he's practicing or trying to invent something. Sometimes he'll leave his little stupid hateful lab to make me a snack and try to assure me he still loves me, and I like it at the time, I think, he's so good to me, and then an hour later I'm bruising him up because I hate him more than anything.  
  
PART 4:  
  
Now of course I can't leave. Not just because I'm his wife.  
  
I'm pregnant. I just know it. I feel it inside me, and it is uncomfortable. And it makes me angry. Its one thing to bring me home, to mate with me, and marry me, but to actually impregnate me?  
  
One of the scientists in my old home (yes, I think of that as home) used to mate with me all the time. I never bore a child, so I assumed I couldn't get pregnant, much less from a turtle. I recently learned about condoms. I realized now the scientist used them. Donatello didn't. Why the fuck didn't he? I'm angry because I didn't choose to have his baby, it was never discussed. If he'd told me that there was any danger of my getting pregnant, I would have called it off. If he'd bothered to tell me about condoms I sure would have had him using them, that would have solved a lot of problems! And damn it he was the educated one; he'd lived in the world, not me.  
  
But now I am stuck in this hateful home, hateful life, and I have to go through a pregnancy. Not only am I angry about the child's existence, I am angry about the sickness, about the physical changes that I can never take back, and I'm well aware of the mental changes too. Either I'm going to turn into some lovesick protective mother or I will become completely hateful and deranged.  
  
I'm going with the latter.  
  
And it's working. Working so well Raph himself came up to me, no I'm sorry, slithered up to me put a sai at my neck and threatened me, telling me that if Don got hurt one more time I was dead. I wish, wish, and wish, that Master Splinter hadn't been there, because I would have loved to take Raphael on. If I fought with Raph, then everyone would have to come out in the open and either we'd all have a free for all or maybe, just maybe, we would talk about it and I could tell them how I feel, I could reach rock bottom. I don't know where that would have led but it could only have gone up. But Splinter stopped it from going anywhere, and I stayed in my position as very close to rock bottom.  
  
Until then though I didn't know any of his brothers were paying that much attention. For some reason I had thought they didn't, but then of course they LOVE him so they would.  
  
So fuck it then, if they knew what was going on all the time between Donatello and me then I won't bother trying not to hurt him openly. I will bite and claw as I see fit, where I see fit. But a month ago I would feel bad about making him cry, but now, fuck it all.  
  
And every time now that I hurt him it was about him making me pregnant. That just made me so angry! GODDAMN IT! I DON"T WANT TO BE FUCKING PREGNANT!  
  
I got to the point of trying to kill it myself. I wish I had been human, I saw a movie where a human woman was able to get her baby removed before it grew in her, and I envied that woman more than anything. After I saw that movie, I raked Donatello good.  
  
I didn't know how to remove a baby with out hurting myself. It's kind of attached up there, and my insides are a complete mystery to me. So, as I was fucking it all anyway, a couple weeks later I got desperate enough to try injecting myself with a random vial I found outside the lair in the sewers. I didn't know what was in it, but I figured either I would die or it would, either way was a win situation.  
  
I acted quickly, found an empty room, Donatello was busy in his lab, Splinter meditating and the others all out. But I wasn't quick enough. Would you believe Raphael appeared right before I could complete it and stopped me? We argued, but this argument didn't go anywhere. I found I couldn't tell him what was wrong. At this point I didn't care, but I would have tried if it had been Mike. Mike still talks to me like I'm worth something. Raphael made it clear all he cares about is Don and the baby in me, and as far as he's concerned all I am is an incubator for the damn thing.  
  
After that, I stayed out of Raph's way for sure.  
  
I seeked out Don in his lab, I made him get out and go to the bedroom, and I let him have it. In the course of this rampage I twisted his arm so hard I might have broke it. I actually tried to break it but I didn't hear the snap like I was looking for. But I'd twisted it as much as I could. Then I changed, I let him go, suddenly I loved him again, must be the damn baby. I couldn't stand what was happening to me now, and I ran out. I looked at his eyes as I left, and what I saw there told me this, this was rock bottom.  
  
PART 5:  
  
Fortunately a had only another month before the child was born. Finally I got my own space, I no longer had to sleep with Donatello. I slept in the living room with Leo, Mike, Raph or Splinter watching me all the time so I didn't kill myself or the child I had to incubate for them. I was a prisoner again, like at the lab.  
  
But I didn't mind as much. Separating from Donatello relieved a lot of the stress, and gave my life focus again. Plus I no longer had the outlet of hurting him, and that cycle was broken.  
  
I decided to carry the child to term peacefully enough, and I even nursed it a week or so, before I up and left.  
  
The only time Donatello and I talked after that night was him trying to convince me to stay and be a mother to it. Like, all this time, he still didn't get how much I didn't want to have his child, how I hated every second of the process, including the sex. With all that intelligence he got, you would think he would realize that I hate everything about life here, and if he cared about me at all he would want me to be free from all this pain and stress. The fact that all him and his family were concerned about were having me mother the kid infuriated me. Since his brothers and sensei were guarding him, I couldn't try to explain it to him physically, so I used the most violent words I could.  
  
"No! I don't want to feel for her. I don't want anything to do with you, your family or her AGAIN. I never wanted to give birth to IT in the first place."  
  
The wince of hurt on his face charged me up again, almost enough that I could have striked out and raked his face one last time, for good luck, but with his family that LOVED him so near I would never get away with it.  
  
Instead I stormed out of the lair, leaving angry glares in my wake.  
  
And I ran far from there. I reached a whole nother city, also by the coast but much warmer. I don't have to worry about winter here. There's less garbage then New York but there is a supply of fresh fish. My home is in an abandoned shed by some warehouses, it is safe, and it is mine.  
  
It's not the lab, but it will do.  
  
I think about my daughter every once in a while. When I do, its not love or regret I feel.  
  
Its bitterness. Hatred. Jealously.  
  
She not only got to be born against my will, but she gets to be raised in a family that LOVES her, just like her Daddy.  
  
God help us if we ever run into each other.  
  
The End 


End file.
